why

• why do shit things (literal) happen to me at the wrong times?
• why does it always get taken out on me?
• why are people so serious about everything?
• why is my asshole so fucking sore?

I wished for one thing at 11.11

I usually don’t because it’s silly. But I wished for one thing: for a boy (I had one in particular in mind) to talk to me tonight. Instead I got a different one asking me to hang out. I am hestitant.

Universe why can’t you just give me what I want for once?

Sometimes things happen that I can’t deal with

but then I think about things I have dealt with in my life, all the shit that the universe offered me and I wonder how I can easily deal with things that are heavy compared to things that are everyday that get too much. I guess when things are tough you are forced to handle them and try to cope because you really have no choice. But when things that are trivial, you don’t always need to be strong because there is a way out. I find social interaction of any kind tough. Really tough. Facebook, tumblr, real life situations, texting, calling…it’s all bad. I hate ordering things…food especially. I hate talking to people which then causes me to talk way too much. Somehow I’ve managed to make friends in my life and some good ones at that. I don’t know how I’ve done it but maybe they find my awkward sensibility and confusing nature somewhat endearing and charismatic? I don’t bloody well know.

All I know is  that I reveal too much but not much real shit. I’m shallow and hopeless.

If I wasn’t so keen to prove to myself that I can make a life for myself, I would be dead.

I want to leave so badly but there is actually no where I can go.

I’m stuck. I’m stuck with someone who doesn’t want me. Everything I do is a fucking hassle so why do I even bother. I will never be good enough. Never. Nothing I could do will ever be right, I never be enough for her.

Fuck, I actually just want to die.

I thought life was better, I thought I was okay.

 

I just need someone to ask and truly care when I say “actually no”

I’m so scared.  I’m so scared there actually is something wrong. I think there might be but how can I tell? What if it’s all in my head…what if I’m making it up? What if I’m not? I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost and confused.

Just before someone wrote/said something on tumblr and I started crying. It made me so happy that I actually belonged that I started crying. It made me think that someone actually cared. But how do I know if they do or not?

Before that I got a message saying that I had a cute smile and that they hope they get to see it soon and it made me smile (and freak out a bit) but maybe I’ve got it all wrong, maybe people do care.

I just feel like they don’t because everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives that no one really notices someone without much of a life. I understand that I should make the world revolve around me but at the moment nothing revolves around me, I make or break nothing, I am nothing.

Lately, I’ve been crying all the time. I mean all the time. I haven’t cried this much in years. And if I’m not crying I’m thinking about not crying. I don’t even know why. I just cry all the time. I don’t even have a reason too. I used to be so happy. Where did that go? I never used to cry and now I always cry.

What do I do with myself? I’m not the same. Unfortunately, I’ll never be the same.

Can I just die already?

What happens when everyone else gives up on you?

so fucking bored.

I think I’m depressed

You’re not depressed, you’re bored.

I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate my friends. I hate my situtation. I hate everything. It’s days like this that I actually want to do it, I want to go through with it.

But I could never. I’m too scared.

No one remembers, you know? They go on and find all these other people. They don’t care. They don’t think twice. No one cares.

The only person who actually looks out for you is you.

Mum doesn’t even notice that something is wrong. Sometimes “I’m fine” doesn’t really mean I’m fine. You remember that time that I tried to tell you that sometimes I think something is wrong with me? You didn’t even care. No one does. No one notices.

I think I need help but I can’t call out for it.

1. No one would believe me

2. I don’t believe me

3. I am being ridicoulus.